Insomnia

Its 2 am, and I have no idea where my head is at. It seems to me that 2009 has not been a good year physically. I have sustained multiple injuries to my left hand this year, none of them from climbing, yet they continually are re aggrevated from climbing. It makes me want to scream. I'm looking at another month of 'rest' and it upsets me because all my goals have been derailed. In November I'm coming up on the end of my 5th year in this wacky sport, and everyday I feel more psyched and ready to push myself beyond my current limits. However at 26 I feel as though I am leaving my youth behind me, as well as the potential to build power. But that brings me to what's keeping me up this evening.

It is a wonderful feeling when the mind and the body exist on the same wavelength. Act as one, living within the moment, in the breath, free from distraction. These moments are rare, and in my experience tend to move in phases. Occasianaly these phases can be extended into days, sometimes weeks. If you have great mental strength, perhaps you always live in this phase. I have always been a realist; lets say this is the optimistic point of view of a pessimist. Self doubt has long been a resident of my thought process degrading my ability to hold onto that killer instinct in every sport I've participated in. The interesting bit is it only applies to activities which I care deeply for. For example, my love of rock climbing far outweighs my love of slacklining, but I am a much more accomplished slackliner than I am a rock climber. It is easy for me to find my ebb and flow on a line. Immediately before I even mount a line do my mind and body connect on the same frequency. It is because I always let go. I have no emotional ties to slacklining. The outcome from a day of slacklining has no affect on my emotional well being. Rock climbing on the other hand lends itself to obsessiveness. I spend many nights lying awake rehearsing sequences in my mind preparing myself to ascend lines that stand out. My ego is so intrinsically associated with rock climbing it has created a emotional void that can only be filled via send.

The re aggrevation of my collateral ligament occured only 3 days ago, but I am on the brink of insanity because I feel as if I'm withering away with out the one physical activity that makes me whole. As I grow older I fear I will need to create a new approach to all physical activities in my life. For now, I am at the peak of my physical prowess, and it is hard to be forced to rest. How does one mentally deal with such strife? I've tried all the usual distractions, but the aggregation of multiple injuries teasing me with full health aside from one joint and one ligament are killers.

Feeling vulnerable while seeking my flow. Don't take your health for granted, enjoy the shit out of it.